As a parent, if you're having a difficult time answering this question, you aren't alone. There are mixed messages with some parenting experts, and friends and family, being proponents of rewarding children and others being very much opposed. But actually it turns out that it's not so simple. In this article we explore the topic and offer strategies for handling this parenting dilemma.
Parents consider rewarding children for different reasons but a common and compelling one is to increase their motivation to achieve a goal. This could be anything from potty training, to cleaning their room, to getting good grades, to being nice to a younger sibling, to making a sports team.
Pros: On the one hand, rewarding kids for meeting certain goals is often effective. It can help them know what to do and feel acknowledged and compensated for their hard work. Parents see rewards as a way to get kids going in the right direction on the path to establishing good habits. And getting rewards releases chemicals in the brain that make a person feel good, so parents see their kids are happy. This makes the parent feel good, too.
Cons: Those who don't believe in giving rewards usually feel that rewarding kids for achievements they "should do anyway" undermines personal responsibility. That it opens up having to negotiate constantly with kids. That it makes kids feel entitled and materialistic. There’s also the issue of rewarding kids for things they’re already motivated to do. This can undermine the intrinsic value of the activity for the child—who may no longer want to do that activity without a reward.
Which is It? It can be both! Which side plays out depends on a number of factors. These include the type of reward, the frequency of the reward, and the underlying reason for giving a reward. Let's look a little deeper at the nature of rewards next.
A reward can be 'tangible' or 'intangible'. If it’s tangible, it's usually something concrete and often physical. Receiving candy, toys, money, stickers on a chart, getting to watch TV are all examples of tangible rewards. Intangible rewards are those like verbal praise or non-verbal likes hugs, high fives, a thumbs-up; and being socially-oriented they’re great for the parent-child relationship as well.
It’s useful to consider the behavior that has to be exhibited to get a reward. This can be completion-dependent, where all a child has to do is complete a task but the quality matters little. Or it can be quality-dependent, where a child has to complete a task to a meaningful standard. Here's an example. A completion-dependent task is reading 5 books. A quality-dependent task is reading 5 books that are challenging. Another example of a completion-dependent task could be brushing one's teeth which could be just a few seconds, while a quality-dependent task is flossing and then brushing for 2 minutes. Keep in mind the standard should be age-appropriate and the outcome doesn’t have to be 'perfect'. That just puts a lot of pressure on kids and can spark resistance and anxiety.
Now let’s put this into tips and strategies for you…
How children respond to rewards and the best practices for parents changes depending on the developmental stage. In this section, we lay out how this operates.
As you can see, giving some thought to why and how you reward your children is important. By doing so you have a better chance of getting the positives we discussed under Pros and avoiding those negatives we laid out in the Cons!
Lilla Dale McManis, MEd., PhD., is President & Founder of Parent in the Know and uses her training and experience to help parents and educators promote optimal child outcomes through translating research into meaningful practice.
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Should I Give My Kids Rewards? As a parent, if you’re having a difficult time answering this question, you aren't alone. In this article we explore the topic and offer strategies for handling this parenting dilemma.
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